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‘How Was it Your First Time?’ Wonders Private English Tutor

August 25, 2014
private english tutor stoke on trent

Thoughts From The Corner

I guess most of us have been there.

With a sense of extreme trepidation the day approaches – this Private English Tutor puts all safety precautions put in place.

‘I leave all my worldly goods to Howl and Growl’ – the local doggie sanctuary.

bulldog wearing eyeglasses sleeping over a good novel

‘Howl and Growl’ – Doggie Sanctuary

Surgery is a scarey affair. As a recent first time recipient, I should know. I received my appointment eight weeks before the day. Plenty of time get scared! Having managed to avoid the surgeon’s knife for the first few decades of my life, it was inevitable my time would eventually arrive.

‘Males to the right, females to the left. Sorry, no visitors.’ The packed waiting room gave way to a small 6 bed ward.

‘Experienced Tutors 2nd’ screamed the board above my bed.

7:31am. Surgery starts at 9:00am and I’m the second one in. At least I shouldn’t have to sit and wait until 5:00pm when surgery finishes. Many measured thoughts raced through my head as I took in the five boards about the other beds.

‘Good morning E.T. I’m Emily. I just need to fill in a few forms. Blood pressure and temperature first.’


‘Now then. Where do we put this?’

The file on the table at the foot of my bed stood out in comparison to beds 3, 4 and 5. Number 5 in particular was note worthy. Standing at least one foot (30 cms) high the papers contained therein shouted out at me ‘There’s always somebody worse off!’

One hour later, sitting there in regulation hospital jim-jams, I knew the medical history of all the other five recipients of today’s surgery. Curtains were pulled around beds as histories were discussed but. . . and here’s the weird thing, sound travels through curtains so none of our medical histories, recent problems and awaiting medical procedures were sacrosanct – so why the curtains?

‘Hernia and vasectomy. Buy one get one free’ guffawed the surgeon with his deep, resounding belly laugh.


‘Hernia and vasectomy. Buy one get one free’, laughed the surgeon.

‘Three kids is enough. Time for the snip,’ Mike told us when the belly-laughing surgeon had gone. ‘Thought I’d have to have two op’s. Glad he can do it all in one.’

‘Okay. They’re ready for you now.’

11.02am the clock beamed at me from above the ward door.

‘Right. Let’s get some anaesthetic in you.’

‘First time you came around you asked for a cup of tea.’

‘I don’t remember that.’

‘Steve will take him back to the ward now.’

1:28pm the clock grinned at me.

Well, that was a fun day out!

Will the dogs’ home inherit? Sorry guys, Private English Tutor says you’ll have to do with a small donation this time. 🙂

dog sad

Sorry guys. Only a small donation this time.


From → health

  1. > Thanks, this gave me a Monday morning post hangover laugh. Hope you’re on the mend and not too sore…wherever. Take it easy and read lots.

    • Yet another village bash. Does anyone do anything that contributes to the economy over there?

      Mending well, thank you. Nothing too serious but you what a hoo-haa men make of these things.

      Reading Khaled Hosseini ‘A Thousand Splendid Suns’ – Beautiful! Also a bargain, £1 from the PDSA shop. Thriftiness isn’t confined to Yorkshire you know. . . 🙂

      • Contribute to the economy. Bah Non! It’s all on the “black” or so I’m learning. La liquide (cash) gets you much more bang for your buck altho’ the morality of it all is a bit difficult to square with oneself. Ask a Frenchman why and he’ll tell you c’est les taxes (it’s the taxes) and it does seem that small businesses/artisans carry a disproportionately high tax burden. Glad you’re on the mend and yes, A Thousand Splendid Suns is beautiful. Have you read The Kit Runner. Stay well.

      • Yes, read it a few years ago. Looking for his third now – charity shop buy, of course!

        ps There’s nothing wrong with a bit of ‘cash in hand’. 🙂

  2. I once got the two-for-one surgery special… I had a cyst on my neck get infected a few days before I was to have a procedure to break up a kidney stone. My urologist found another surgeon at the hospital to remove my cyst before he zapped my stones. Well, I wish it really was a two-fer… I had to pay for both!

  3. At least you avoided the snip 🙂

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